a little of this & a little of that

You don't know who much I struggle leaving a picture like this alone. In fact, I just couldn't do it:

There, now that's more like it.

Details. I have issues with them. Sometimes I get so caught up in the details I have a difficult time seeing the big picture. That's a little like what's been happening in my life this past week - I am working hard to get my eyes refocused.

Perhaps you're in a similar spot. Do you feel stuck? Do you find yourself obsessing over details in an attempt to control a situation or person? Are too focused on one person, place, or thing? Has your life become unbalanced? If so, you've come to the right place. Below you will find a list of resources and links that will help lend perspective:

Marriage/Family

Forgiving Offense/Life Quakes/Wrestling with God

Wisdom for the Workplace

Parenting Teens

Single Parenting

Financial Issues

Dealing with Addiction

On another note, I recently discovered a new website called I Am Second. You'll find there a collection of powerful video testimonies from Tony Dungy, former Korn guitarist Brian Welch, Stephen Baldwin & others. Below is former pageant winner Ashley Rawls regarding her struggle with eating disorders:

An all too familiar battle.

Remember the Needham Family Adoption Photo Drive many of you took part in last year? They are getting even closer to bringing their daughter Abby home and are selling t-shirts in an effort to raise money for their trip. Jenny is taking orders until March 10, click HERE to learn more!

Have a great afternoon :)

well, at least the tree is down

A major accomplishment.

As many of you already know, I am a photographer for Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. It was my sister-in-law Amy who first introduced me this non-profit organization on the heels of my own season of loss. I could barely make it through the website, my tears were so overwhelming. It wasn't so much sadness that gripped me as it was the fact that these families were given something beautiful to remember their dear children by. They had something to hold on to. Many have trouble understanding the significance of this type of photography... perhaps this will help. The following is a video trailer for a documentary that aired in December:

You can read about the film (Capturing a Short Life) by clicking HERE and the DVD is available by clicking HERE.

If you would like to support Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, you can do so without it costing an extra dime! Register at iGive and a percentage of your online purchases will be donated to NILMDTS. Just click on the icon below for more information:

You can also click HERE to support another cause after my own heart. They are changing lives and bringing hope to women struggling with addiction, eating disorders, depression, and self-harm. Click HERE for more information.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 1 Corinthians 1:3-4

the monster within

I've had eating disorders on the brain (not so much because of the 20/20 story but because someone close to me is struggling). It's difficult for many to grasp the depth and scope of this type of addiction. When I talk to people about the destructive nature of eating disorders, they often listen in disbelief. Surely, there must be something else going on?

For years, my mom swore I was addicted to drugs. The financial problems, relational issues, and failing grades surely attested to that as well. I was even confronted by an employer at one point - as a recovering alcoholic, she was no stranger to the chaos surrounding addiction. Though I was impulsive, manipulative, and secretive - most who knew me would have said otherwise.

Inside I felt hopeless, isolated, and depressed; there seemed no way to break free of the cycle. (Unfortunately for most who find themselves caught in the grips of an eating disorder, the medical field offers little in the way of hope. You'll find a heap of startling statistics and facts HERE and HERE.) Not only have I battled this monster, I've helplessly watched other family members and friends struggle as well. I've seen eating disorders destroy marriages, ruin careers, tear children away from mothers, cause financial ruin, and kill.

Yes, an eating disorder can do all of that and more.

Because little headway has been made over the years, the best course of treatment appears to be preventative. (Click HERE for a list of suggestions.) If someone you know or love is struggling with an eating disorder, I strongly recommend THIS BOOK for insight and encouragement. Too, you will find a comprehensive ED treatment finder and other supportive resources located HERE.

O Lord my God, I called to you for help and you healed me. Psalm 30:2

a new kind of eating disorder

It's called "orthorexia nervosa" and is an obsession with eating healthy. As a contrast to other eating disorders which focus on losing weight, orthorexia may begin with a desire to improve general health or to combat chronic illness. And then... things get out of hand.

I caught the story last night on 20/20 and found a great writeup about it HERE. I also found an article written by Dr. Steven Bratman (who is mentioned on the program), you can check it out by clicking HERE. If you're interested in learning more about the signs and symptoms of this illness, click HERE.

I, too, have concerns about the cancer-causing effects of pesticides in our food, partially hydrogenated oils, etc. but my eating disorder beeper goes off any time I begin to put too much thought and time into it. Unfortunately, it's a fine line that is very easy to cross but extremely difficult to cross back.

when life catches you off guard

Today was one of those days. The "catching off guard" sort.

It began like any other... I woke up early to spend time in God's Word (no small feat these days) and even managed to grab a shower before walking the kids to the bus stop. I thought I'd enjoy a quick cup of coffee and a chat with my mom before heading off to the grocery store.

That's when my friend called. A 23-year old woman the Lord had placed in my life died on Thursday and her funeral was today. Part of me wanted to take the easy way out, to use the late notice as an excuse not to attend. But after talking with my mom, I knew better - we were supposed to be there.

You see, my mom and I met Katie and her mom several years ago (the Lord's hand was all over the connection). Katie had been struggling with an eating disorder and both she and her mom were looking for hope. They'd heard our story: my mom having lived through it with two daughters and my many years of successful recovery. We met over lunch and parted ways, though Katie continued to weave in and out of our lives. She even called me during one of her hospital stays and I offered her the only thing I could (the only thing any one of us could) and that was the Truth that had set me free. I remember Katie's doubt as she expressed feelings of unworthiness - God's promises for hope and a future surely weren't meant for me...

Yes, Katie, especially for you.

The dark battle reminds me so much of this BarlowGirl song:

Why? Why are you still here with me?

Didn’t you see what I’ve done?

In my shame I want to run,

And hide myself.

Yeah, but it’s here I see the truth,

I don’t deserve you.

But I need you to love me,

And I, I won’t keep my heart from you this time.

And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,

Somehow deserve what I already have

I need you to love me

I, I have wasted so much time

Pushing you away from me.

I just never saw how you

Could cherish me.

Cause you’re a God who has all things,

And still you want me.

And I need you to love me,

And I, I won’t keep my heart from you this time.

And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,

Somehow deserve what I already have

Yeah, ye-ea-eah

Your love makes me forget what I have been.

Your love makes me see who I really am.

Your love makes me forget what I have been, oh-oh.

And I need you to love me, yeah

I need you to love me, ye-ea-eah!

And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,

Somehow deserve what I already have

Somehow deserve what I already have

I need you to love me, yeah

I need you to… oh oh oh oh eo (x4)

Love me, love me, yah

And wouldn't you know it? This song was on the radio as I made my way to the funeral. The verse below was also on my mind and one of many shared at today's service:

THE SPIRIT of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed and qualified me to preach the Gospel of good tidings to the meek, the poor, and afflicted; He has sent me to bind up and heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the [physical and spiritual] captives and the opening of the prison and of the eyes to those who are bound, to proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord [the year of His favor] and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, to grant [consolation and joy] to those who mourn in Zion – to give them an ornament (a garland or diadem) of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, the garment [expressive] of praise instead of a heavy, burdened, and failing spirit – that they may be called oaks of righteousness [lofty, strong, and magnificent, distinguished for uprightness, justice, and right standing with God], the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified. Isaiah 61:1-3 (AMP)

Jesus brings FREEDOM. He came for the broken, needy, and downtrodden - He came for you and me. Every single one of us. The only requirement? To simply accept it. He doesn't expect us to be clean or perfect or have everything in order. He simply wants us to come to Him. ("I am the Way and the Truth and the Life; no one comes to the Father except by Me." John 14:6).

I have so much more swirling through my head tonight... I'll have to continue on another time. Just know, no matter where you are at or what you have done - you are not alone. Know that you are loved and cherished by your Father in heaven.

an attitude check.

I love this Joyce Meyer quote: It's not our circumstances that make us so unhappy. It's our attitude toward our circumstances. For years I struggled with depression - happiness was a fleeting experience. Contentment was only a dream. People used to tell me my life was like a soap opera - one torturous saga after another:

• I lived in a house with bats in the basement and cracks in our walls that led outside.
• My boyfriend of five years was cheating on me.
• Money was so tight I was forced to sell plasma to help make ends meet.
• I was evicted from my apartment.
• My employer was taking advantage of me.
• My family didn't understand me.
• I was alone.

The truth is, these less-than-ideal circumstances provided me with the perfect excuse for one continual pity party. I was a victim, powerless to stop it.

Or so I thought.

Which brings me to the point of this entry - our thoughts. The Bible has a lot to say about our thoughts:

• "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God." (Romans 12:2)
• Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. (Colossians 3:2)
• For the weapons of our warfare are not physical [weapons of flesh and blood], but they are mighty before God for the overthrow and destruction of strongholds, [Inasmuch as we] refute arguments and theories and reasonings and every proud and lofty thing that sets itself up against the [true] knowledge of God; and we lead every thought and purpose away captive into the obedience of Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One). (2 Corinthians 10:4,5)
• Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies. (Philippians 4:8-9)

It was upon entering the Eating Disorders Research Program at the University of Minnesota that I first discovered the importance of taking my thoughts captive. Not only did I have faulty ideas about food and eating, I had faulty ideas about myself and others as well. Treatment centered on deliberate thinking. In essence, we had to begin thinking about what we were thinking about.

Ever have thoughts like these run through your head?

I can't do it, it's too hard.

I have no will power.

People must think I'm nuts.

This outfit makes me look fat.

I really screwed that up.

There must be something wrong with me.

I'm too busy to think about my needs.

Things will never change.

This is called, "Stinkin' Thinkin'" and we all struggle with it at one time or another. It becomes a problem when those thoughts are accompanied by self-defeating feelings and behaviors (e.g. drug or alcohol addiction, self-injury, eating disorders, and depression). For those of you in this boat, please know that freedom is possible! First and foremost, I would encourage you to find a reputable therapist (I've had experience with Life Development Resources and would highly recommend their services). Secondly, I would encourage you to take a solid look at your thought life. Joyce Meyer has written a wonderful book called, "Battlefield of the Mind" which offers a great deal of insight into the importance of thinking about what you're thinking about. Much of what we think and feel is learned behavior. The good news is that any learned behavior can be unlearned. Many are even able to defeat depression without medication by learning to replace the Stinkin' Thinkin' with positive, affirming thoughts. This is where God's Word comes in. I often rely on this book for quick references to scripture - the verses are categorized by topic: Help, Comfort, Peace, Courage, etc. For example, if I am feeling overwhelmed by a situation and am desperate for help this is what I will read or say aloud:

How gracious God will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. Isaiah 30:19

Surely God is my help, the Lord is the one who sustains me. Psalm 54:4

We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. Psalm 33:20

You will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help and he will say: Here am I. Isaiah 58:9

I find assurance, comfort, and peace in God through His Word and the dark cloud passes. My thought life was radically transformed through this process. Though I continue to face very challenging circumstances at times, they longer steal my hope or joy. I am choosing to make the most of this life, one day at a time.

the spill over, part 2

I was talking about God's purpose for our lives when I last posted... Beth talked about those times in life we experience trials/tribulations; times of great difficulty and suffering. Through Scripture, she showed us how God stays consistent with our purpose... always.

This means that He would only allow such pain if it were critical to me serving His purpose in my generation.

Looking back, I can clearly see the truth of this statement reflected in my own life. As most of you know, I struggled with addiction for many years. During that time (more so than any other in my life) I was PLAGUED by trouble.

Self-induced trouble but trouble nonetheless.

I did everything in my power to sustain the addiction and my life was a mess. The thing I had the most trouble with? My mouth. I was a compulsive liar and extremely manipulative, hurting myself and many around me. And it all stemmed from my mouth... the very same tool God has chosen to use for His purpose!

Interesting, isn't it?

All of that pain? Necessary. Needed. It led me to Him. It refined me. He used it to shape my mouth. He took my ugliness and turned it into something beautiful. Only God...

I was listening to a song this morning that spoke to my heart.

I called
You came to the rescue

Now I want to be where you are...

He wants to come to your rescue as well, no matter where you are. He wants to bring freedom, peace, joy, and contentment into your life. Will you let Him?

my favorite mom @ my favorite place

I know the photo is slightly off-center but I wanted to make sure you could see where we were at... yes, another coffee shop! My mom at Caribou - how could I say no?

We had a nice, spontaneous visit after my haircut yesterday and a few things stood out to me. First of all, she knows things. When I was living my secret (eating disorder) life years ago, she would always end our phone calls with, "If there is something you need to tell me, I'm here." I remember her also telling me that she knew something was wrong and that it had even gotten her into church to pray for me. It was uncanny; everyone physically close to me was clueless to the hidden life - but Mom KNEW.

There are other stories with siblings as well. We occasionally joke how it drives us nuts but truthfully, I am thankful for Mom's discernment and boldness in speaking out. It is a gift.

"I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life." ~Abraham Lincoln

Journaling Ideas: What about your mom will you (or do you) miss most? What things drive you nuts? In what ways are you similar? Different? How has your relationship changed over the years? What about your relationship are you most thankful for?

i like it fuzzy.

I've spent much of my life swimming in details - it's the way I'm wired, my personality type being an INFJ. My 9-year battle with an eating disorder was nothing more than an obsession with details. I would critically assess every inch of my body, never looking at the whole - only parts. My eyes seemed to zero in on and magnify every imperfection.

Though my wiring hasn't changed, thankfully I have. Though, occasionally, I still find myself absorbed in details - I don't get stuck. I no longer have the desire or drive for perfection; I am human and will never be perfect. My shortcomings keep me close to Christ; I'd like it to stay that way.

My family laughs as I get ready in the morning because the bathroom light is always OFF. I don't want to see every new wrinkle and gray hair! Natural light is just fine, I like how it makes things look a little fuzzy. It's funny how this seems to carry over into my photography!

By the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. 1 Corinthians 15:10

It's pretty clear I have issues...

These are my journals. I have zillions of them, dating back to high school. The ones pictured here just happen to be some of my favorites!

It is an amazing thing to look back and see the tranformation that took place in my life. To give you an idea of what I am talking about, here is a poem I'd written in the summer of 1989:

Torture pain death.
Pain death.
Death.
Where and Who am I?
What am I doing?
Running in circles
and circles
in pain.
It lingers where it can't be found.
Clutching my heart and soul
feeding on itself.
It doesn't end won't end.
It's me. It's Who I am.
Prisoner of myself.
Prisoner of my pain.

What a vivid reminder of where I once was! Trapped by my addiction, the eating disorder had taken over every area of my life - relationships, finances, job, and education. It was then that I turned to the Lord.

"Please help me, God!"

"I need You."

"Show me Your way."

"Help me to see You."

"Help me to follow You."

He led me out of that dark place to one of hope and joy! He has revealed much to me through the process of journaling - it's no wonder I am where I am today! The Lord took that huge mess and turned it into something beautiful; it was all part of His purpose and plan. Looking back at the pattern of my life, it all makes so much sense now.

The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me...

To comfort all who mourn, To console those who mourn in Zion,

To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning,

The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;

That they may be called trees of righteousness,

The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.

Isaiah 61:1, 2c, 3 (NKJV)

Journaling Ideas: If you haven't made it a habit of jounaling, begin today! If you have old journals or diaries tucked away somewhere, dig them out. Spend some time looking back. Do you see any emerging patterns or themes? Is there a direction that God appears to be steering you towards? His specialty is trading beauty for ashes - spend some time mulling over the ashes in your life. He will use them (use you) to reach out to others in their place of mourning.

my #1 weakness.

Details add rich color and depth to our lives (the same happens in journaling). I relish details and have an eye for the little things: fine nuances in language, beauty in the midst of chaos, the unique in everyday. Unfortunately, this strength has also been my greatest weakness.

I have been reading up on personality types, looking to learn a bit more about myself and those around me. While zeroing in on the strengths and weaknesses of my type, this jumped out at me: May be obsessive and passionate about details that may be unimportant to the big picture.

Ouch! As I look back on my life, the truth of this statement rings loudly.

For nearly a decade, I struggled with an eating disorder (which was an obsession of details) - counting calories, weighing, measuring, and scrutinizing every inch of my body. I vividly recall a time when my doctor asked me to draw a picture of myself. She'd taped a large sheet of white paper to the wall and asked me to create a mirror image of my body. After doing so, she traced the actual outline of my body on top of the drawing. As I stepped back to take a look, I was stunned! My obsession had created a very distorted and inaccurate image that looked nothing like me. I had spent so much time focusing on the details that I completely lost sight of the big picture!

Not only do I notice the details, I sometimes get hung up in them! When this happens, I have to "zoom out" a little to put things into proper perspective.

Jesus said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9.

Journaling Ideas: What are your strengths and weaknesses? Is there an overlap? How do you stay balanced? Describe a time in your life that reflects this strength or weakness in action.