when life catches you off guard

Today was one of those days. The "catching off guard" sort.

It began like any other... I woke up early to spend time in God's Word (no small feat these days) and even managed to grab a shower before walking the kids to the bus stop. I thought I'd enjoy a quick cup of coffee and a chat with my mom before heading off to the grocery store.

That's when my friend called. A 23-year old woman the Lord had placed in my life died on Thursday and her funeral was today. Part of me wanted to take the easy way out, to use the late notice as an excuse not to attend. But after talking with my mom, I knew better - we were supposed to be there.

You see, my mom and I met Katie and her mom several years ago (the Lord's hand was all over the connection). Katie had been struggling with an eating disorder and both she and her mom were looking for hope. They'd heard our story: my mom having lived through it with two daughters and my many years of successful recovery. We met over lunch and parted ways, though Katie continued to weave in and out of our lives. She even called me during one of her hospital stays and I offered her the only thing I could (the only thing any one of us could) and that was the Truth that had set me free. I remember Katie's doubt as she expressed feelings of unworthiness - God's promises for hope and a future surely weren't meant for me...

Yes, Katie, especially for you.

The dark battle reminds me so much of this BarlowGirl song:

Why? Why are you still here with me?

Didn’t you see what I’ve done?

In my shame I want to run,

And hide myself.

Yeah, but it’s here I see the truth,

I don’t deserve you.

But I need you to love me,

And I, I won’t keep my heart from you this time.

And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,

Somehow deserve what I already have

I need you to love me

I, I have wasted so much time

Pushing you away from me.

I just never saw how you

Could cherish me.

Cause you’re a God who has all things,

And still you want me.

And I need you to love me,

And I, I won’t keep my heart from you this time.

And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,

Somehow deserve what I already have

Yeah, ye-ea-eah

Your love makes me forget what I have been.

Your love makes me see who I really am.

Your love makes me forget what I have been, oh-oh.

And I need you to love me, yeah

I need you to love me, ye-ea-eah!

And I’ll stop this pretending that I can,

Somehow deserve what I already have

Somehow deserve what I already have

I need you to love me, yeah

I need you to… oh oh oh oh eo (x4)

Love me, love me, yah

And wouldn't you know it? This song was on the radio as I made my way to the funeral. The verse below was also on my mind and one of many shared at today's service:

THE SPIRIT of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed and qualified me to preach the Gospel of good tidings to the meek, the poor, and afflicted; He has sent me to bind up and heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the [physical and spiritual] captives and the opening of the prison and of the eyes to those who are bound, to proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord [the year of His favor] and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, to grant [consolation and joy] to those who mourn in Zion – to give them an ornament (a garland or diadem) of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, the garment [expressive] of praise instead of a heavy, burdened, and failing spirit – that they may be called oaks of righteousness [lofty, strong, and magnificent, distinguished for uprightness, justice, and right standing with God], the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified. Isaiah 61:1-3 (AMP)

Jesus brings FREEDOM. He came for the broken, needy, and downtrodden - He came for you and me. Every single one of us. The only requirement? To simply accept it. He doesn't expect us to be clean or perfect or have everything in order. He simply wants us to come to Him. ("I am the Way and the Truth and the Life; no one comes to the Father except by Me." John 14:6).

I have so much more swirling through my head tonight... I'll have to continue on another time. Just know, no matter where you are at or what you have done - you are not alone. Know that you are loved and cherished by your Father in heaven.