the child I never knew

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.

Psalm 139:13-16 (NLT)

On Thursday, February 19, 2004, I made my way to the doctor for a routine OB appointment. Fourteen and a half weeks pregnant with our third child, I knew the drill - weight, blood pressure, belly check, and a quick listen of the heartbeat.

As the doctor scanned my belly with the doppler wand, minutes ticked by; his unwillingness to make eye contact sent chills up my spine. Something was wrong. He directed me to another room for an immediate ultrasound. When a nurse offered to take my three-year-old son, the look on her face said it all. I began to cry.

By the soft glow of the screen, I received the first and last glimpse of my child. The ultrasound technician quietly delivered the devastating news: our baby had died, possibly even two weeks earlier.

How could this happen?

Why would God allow this to happen?

Was it a 'he' or a 'she'?

Why do I feel so much pain when I haven't even met this child face-to-face?

How could something so small leave such a large hole?

We were in the process of building a new home and our child's room-to-be would be empty. Reminders. My body had already been changing and I could only fit into maternity clothes. Reminders. A couple of friends and I shared similar due dates; they were still pregnant and I was not. Reminders.

I poured out my grief and heartache to the Lord and found scripture that ministered to my soul. Mellissa and I were mere acquaintances at the time, yet she stopped by one day with books for my entire family. My oldest loved the workbook, Remembering Our Baby by Patti Keough; perhaps one day I will share his artwork and heartfelt words. I also received Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy: A Pregnancy Loss Bible Study by Teale Fackler & Gwen Kid, which was extremely helpful in working through the loss. My sister-in-law Amy had also given me a couple of very helpful books, my favorite being Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg.

Through that difficult time, the Lord made it clear that my child's life had purpose no matter how brief it's time here:

Before I shaped you in the womb, I knew all about you. Before you saw the light of day, I had holy plans for you. Jeremiah 1:5a (MSG)

I went on to experience two more pregnancy losses, each no less heartbreaking than the first. Needless to say, I've spent a lot of time in God's Word and know a few things to be true:

• I will be reunited with my children in heaven. 2 Samuel 12:22 (MSG) and 2 Corinthians 5:8 (NLT)
• The Lord holds children dear to His heart. Matthew 18:10 (AMP) and Matthew 19:14 (AMP)
• The Lord has a heart for the weak. 1 Corinthians 1:27 (MSG)

I know this is a sensitive subject and that some would prefer the term "embryo" or "fetus" as opposed to "child" when speaking of pregnancy loss. Some hold a woman's life in higher regard than that of a child. Some debate whether or not life even begins before birth. A hot topic I'm not about to tackle! (Shannon of Rocks In My Dryer bravely did that HERE.) What I am going to address is the Born-Alive Infants Protection Act.

Ever heard of it? It was signed into law in 2002 but I hadn't heard a thing about it until recently stumbling across a nurse's testimony from the hearing. Jill Stanek had worked as an RN for five years at a hospital in Illinois. This hospital used a method of abortion called "induced labor abortion"; sometimes the babies being aborted were healthy, sometimes they were not. The brutality of what happened involved babies who were left to die on their own, alone and without care. (You can find her testimony, as well as a statement from another nurse at the hearing, by clicking HERE.)

Not only is my heart is tender for those sweet, little things but for the poor mothers who felt they had no other choice. Along those lines, there are a couple of other resources I'd like to share. One is a link I discovered through Angie Smith ("Bring the Rain") and was a help while they walked the last leg of their pregnancy. Another is a brilliant children and family photographer who also has a ministry for birth mothers. Her name is Skye Hardwick - her photography website is HERE and ministry website is HERE. (She's also a columnist for Adoption Today, just Google her name and you'll find dozens of inspiring articles.)